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Bedstar’s guide to pulling the perfect Euro 2016 sickie!

Bedstar’s guide to pulling the perfect Euro 2016 sickie!

Category: Sleep Talk
Posted: Jun 15, 2016 16:09
Comments: 0 [Post]
Synopsis: England and Wales face off this Thursday in what appears to be a must-win game for The Three Lions. Unfortunately, it’s on at 2pm and if you’re like most people, you’ll be at work.

Bedstar’s guide to pulling the perfect Euro 2016 sickie!

England and Wales face off this Thursday in what appears to be a must-win game for The Three Lions.


Unfortunately, it’s on at 2pm and if you’re like most people, you’ll be at work.


Being such an important fixture, we don’t want you wasting your day away in the office surrounded by people you barely like. Alan is wearing face paint at work and Derek is using the footy as an excuse to get tipsy at 2pm.


We mean, come on, you’ve just splashed out on a new TV bed and all you’ve done is watch repeats of Casualty on a Sunday morning. As much as you hate to do so, you’re going to have to pull a sickie.
But you’ve never pulled a sickie before. It’s SO unethical! My boss is scarier than Arnold Schwarzenegger on steroids! 




Don’t panic – we’re here to help! The sickie is a work of art that has to be planned, practiced and executed perfectly. We have the tools to make it happen!
You don’t get many sickies each year. In fact, we estimate you can pull two sickies before things become obvious:

  • One in the winter with the fan favourite ‘classic cold’.
  • One in the summer with the unbelievable, yet unarguable ‘exhausted because of the heat’ excuse.

And so, getting it right is key. Otherwise, you might just be in a rather awkward meeting with your boss discussing performance, and nobody wants that!
Follow this plan. Just do it!



Fail to prepare. Prepare to fail.

Pick the perfect day!

Deciding which day to pull a sickie is crucial, but since we’re only a day away from England vs Wales we’ve got to move quickly.

Cancel your meetings, get ahead of deadlines, do whatever you need to do to clear everything due on Thursday. You want your boss to think, ‘ah well, at least everything is done’.


If you’re adding work to your manager’s already over spilling plate they’ll look for any reason to keep you in.



Enter the mind of your boss!

Become your boss. Visualise where they sit and what they see and most importantly, get into their head and imagine what they’ll be thinking come 9am on Sunday.

‘It’s the England game today, is that why they’re off?’ ‘How did he eat a whole pack of biscuits at 4 o’clock when he was feeling peaky yesterday?’ ‘He seemed okay at the pub last night after his fourth pint.’

If they’re (well, you, as you’re pretending to be them) going to ask these questions come Thursday morning, you’ve planned your sickie wrong.

Make sure you know your boss well, otherwise you’re going to fail.



Set the precedent!

This is exactly the reason why setting the scene is incredibly important. Falling ill doesn’t happen overnight and so, you’re going to have to prepare.

Since we’re only a couple of days away from the match you’re going to have to take drastic action. Walk in and collapse on the floor – preferably with a cup of coffee on your hand. People will flock to you straight away, but claim you’re okay.

‘It was just a trip, I’m fine. Honestly.’

As you’re being picked up, look your boss dead in the eye and say, ‘don’t worry, I’m okay, just feeling a little off.’
That should send the message.

That was no trip, you nearly fainted and your boss definitely wants to send you home. Unfortunately, the gaffer doesn’t want to look weak and so you head to your desk to crack on with your work. Meanwhile, the head honcho is definitely worrying about your health.

The next few hours are crucial!

Since people are still concerned about your fall, you can play on their heartstrings. If they ask how you are, reply ‘not bad, just feeling a little wobbly today.’ Make sure your conversations are audible and soon the worry will mount up to the point where you’ll be sent home. Nobody wants their employee to die at work.


Now you’re one step ahead of the game!

You don’t want to be sent home though, that gives you time to recover. No, you’ve got to remain at work until 5pm.


So, for the next couple of hours you withdraw from any joshing about at work and sit silently at your PC. You take longer to reply to emails and you definitely, definitely refuse any cups of tea offered. Also, don’t even consider that chockie bickie.


Ignore everyone and hate the world!


Eventually, when the time comes, tell your boss that you’ll see him tomorrow. Judge the look on his face. You’re hoping for him to say ‘don’t worry, work from home tomorrow.’ Or, even, ‘have the day off tomorrow mate.’


If not, you’re going to have to pull out the big guns – the morning email!



Perfecting the morning email!

If your boss is expecting you in tomorrow then you’re going to need a cracking email to support.


Use our template below for guaranteed (well, maybe not) success:


Hi mate (if you and your boss don’t get along, go for the classic Hi ____’)


Sorry about emailing, it’s far too early to ring!


I’m afraid I won’t be coming in today due to illness.


I am: (another of these will do) ‘feeling fluey, achy limbs, cramps, migraine, have been in the bathroom all night.’


Do not go for ‘no sleep, sore throat, headache, not feeling 100%’


Please, if you need to, ring me on _________’


Name.


Don’t end it with a ‘thanks’ or ‘cheers’, because that’s too cheery! Use this template and you’re not going to fail!

Prepare for the phone call of your life!

If, for some reason, your boss is a nutter and does ring, then you’re going to have to pull off a miracle.

  • Don’t answer back straight away!
  • Call back within the hour and not a minute longer! If you leave it too long, you’ll never ring back.
  • Practice your sick voice – you don’t want to go as low as Barry White, but not as fluffy as David Beckham. This is incredibly important because managers are trained to detect fake illness through phones.



And that’s it, you’ve pulled your sickie. Unless they tell you to come in, then you’ve lost.


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